Datsik says: “I want to fight and die in the ring!”
Viacheslav Datsik is a Russian MMA fighter who goes into the cage to kick *** and give a f— — and he is all out of f—. He leads with his face like he knows something about faces that we don’t. He throws flying two-legged kicks that gravity barely knows what to do with. He thinks the somersault is the end result of thousands of years of martial science. He throws attacks so unrelated to his opponent’s location that you’d swear he stepped on a bee hive. He fights like an octopus falling down electrified stairs.
Early in his career, Datsik’s tantrum-fu won him four fights including an epileptic knockout over future UFC Heavyweight Champion Andrei Arlovsky. Most of the time, though, he flailed hilariously while the sanity was pounded out of his head. Then, after six straight losses from 2001 to 2003, he vanished. By itself, this wasn’t a big deal. In the Russian language, the word for “vanish” is the same word they use for “ordinary” and “boring.” People disappear so often in Russia that its topsoil is 40 percent human teeth. The most common high school mascot in Russia is the Armed Kidnapper.
Datsik stayed vanished for four years while he hatched some kind of plot too awesome for us sane people to understand. He reappeared in 2007 to execute a daring heist of one mobile phone from a store in St. Petersburg. His incredible strength also allowed him to steal a pile of cash worth nearly 250 American dollars. After police completed the difficult job of arresting him, the prison psychiatrist completed the easy job of declaring Datsik insane. He was locked away in a high security mental hospital. Three years later, they moved this superhumanly violent lunatic to a minimum security clinic. See if you can spot where they made a mistake.
Datsik tore through a goddamn barbed wire fence with his bare hands, stole a cell phone and escaped to Norway. While there, he dressed like a Nazi and arranged a meeting with reporters to announce that he was racist and not much else. This was to set up the next part of his plan: handing a loaded gun to immigration officials and requesting political asylum. Viacheslav Datsik is the answer to the question, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
So now, after multiple concussions, a four year disappearance, a diagnosis of schizophrenia, three years in a hospital for the criminally insane, a screaming jog through a barbed wire fence, a Nazi costume and the world’s most ridiculous request for political asylum, he gets extradited back to Russia and the psychiatrists now declare him, get this, legally sane. Now I know what Yakov Smirnoff meant when he said that in Soviet Russia f*cks don’t give you.